An Awakening to me Quaking Dichotomy

There's no Denying it....
It's another F***ing Monday.

And I fail at existence.

Oooh!  Oooh!  There you are.  Maybe you can help me.  Put yourself in my shoes mask.

Please be philosophical.  At least then you’ll have millennia of backing behind your misery.  I’m looking for some way to turn my life around.  Some way to find out which way my life is going?  I don't need a specific direction, I just need a direction.

This is the kind of Ad I’m looking for:

I could find myself in the den of evil (no, not Barad-dur; I mean the Greater Evil which is called Wal-Mart).  Maybe I just need to find myself.

Through the mirror of our parents we see ourselves.
My father stumbled through his twenties into a degree and a successful journalism career that he abandoned to raise a family in his early thirties.  Failing to make ends meet as a self-employed father he stumbled around his early forties with 3 young kids nipping at his heals, bouncing around part-time jobs and finding himself 5 years later with a horde of disenfranchised adolescents who no longer needed him, clamoring to leave home

I don’t want to end up that way.

Maybe I need some sort of nemesis.  A distant and opposite pole.  A pole uponwhich to tether my wayward mind.

DMsqdMn17:  Do you think anyone would notice if I lost my sanity?
Well Aura Anderson:  what do you mean "if"

·         I'm back to feeling a little bit pointless again, now that I'm unemployed. It’s a vast improvement over losing my mind while being employed, but I have to work pretty hard at keeping myself busy and my spirits up. It’s hard to get motivated without a specific goal.

·         I never did get bored in my dorm all day alone...I never did! Wish I could remember the secret now though...

 

Oh right, I was IMing hot college chicks and seeing through stories to their completion.  

Life can be short or long
Love can be right or wrong
And if I chose the one I’d like to help me through... 

 

And now I'm back to talking about college.  But first, women.
No.  First.  Allow me to explain something to you very simply.
Notice the dichotomies above.  I spent my time at school between a rock and a hard place. 

There were things I needed to be doing.   ---------------------  There were things I did.
Of these two options, each has two two subdivisions.

Of the things I needed to be doing, there were two kinds.
Classes I liked (few/electives)  --------------------  Classes I hated (lots of them/ required)

Of the things I did not need to do, there were two halves.
Writing/Drawing  -----------------------  Getting Girls

Now there is nothing that I need to be doing. 
The entire system of my functionality above only works because it is weighted by an outside force arbitrarily designating assignments, and my decisions of whether or not to complete them could be self-based evaluations of the pertinance to what I needed or wanted to do.
Now I make my own options to choose from.  I choose not only what I want to do, i have to choose what my choices will be.
This is a tremendous amount of pressure.  And I hate to say it, but I might prefer being back in school.
Why do I hate to say it, you ask?

Teh Masked Man, star of the long-running, ill-concieved, poorly executed and ne'ery distributed comic strip: The Masked Man Goes to College, is a college drop out.  The comic strip followed his descent from a slacker undergrad, to an ideologically rich, moderately unproductive drop-out.
Drawn and based on my life, I didn't have to make up much.

I have a hard time justifying my existence and so I tack on a lot of tangible results to posit reason for being.  Most of these tangible results take the form of writing, poems, stories and drawings.  As a perfectionist, it's hard for me to get things done, let alone get things started.  Picking projects is difficult because I aim for posterity, and rarely deviate from a standard higher than most of my peers.  I have no peers.  Other kids my age are busy churning out assignments for professors with no forethought to progress or learning, just killing time and brain cells for the sake of a degree.  I cannot be compromised in that manner.  This is why I have not gone back to school.  This is why I choose my own projects to work on.  This is why I could not accept the kind of imput I so desperately crave right now, someone to tell me what to do, because as soon as I recieve a helpful suggestion I interpret it as a trace of criticism and shoot it down.

I just want to write something worthwhile.  Or have a movie made about my life.  But mainly write something worthwhile.  I'll probably never know what that will be.  Like Saint Augustine.

 

St. Augustine. Prolific writer.  Published more than 90 books in his lifetime. 
Though he was widely read, he wasn't taken seriously by other theologians.  His mother was a Christian, and he'd grown up in the Christian Roman Empire, but he'd spent much of his life dabbling in various pagan religions. He was living with a lower-class woman, having fathered a child out of wedlock, when he fell under the influence of Bishop Ambrose of Milan and suddenly converted to Christianity.  He couldn't read or write in Greek, which was the language of elite intellectuals, and he lived in a backwater part of the Empire. His critics called him a "donkey protector," and said "[He is] what passes for a philosopher with Africans."  Living on the fringes of the Roman world, he was surrounded by all sorts of renegade forms of Christianity. People who considered themselves Christians were also worshiping idols and consulting with fortune tellers. There was a huge pagan-influenced diversity in Christian beliefs. Augustine spoke out against this diversity, arguing that to survive, Christian churches should all follow one doctrine, that of the central church in Rome.

After his death and the collapse of Rome, his home city of Hippo was destroyed by barbarians.  But somehow Augustine's library was one of few that survived. He'd spent his lifetime defending Christianity against pagan influence, and his work went on to hold the Christian Church together throughout the medieval era. It is partially due to his writings that the Catholic Church did not break up into separate churches for almost a thousand years.

That's what I call influence.  A good reason to aim high.  As for today.  I'm aiming real high.
                       SliceOGringo: writ ing a paper for class
                       SliceOGringo: can you help me define fascism
                       DMsqdMn17: Your mother. 
                       SliceOGringo:  ha

                       ...

                       SliceOGringo: no seriously

Comments for DMM today must help define fascism.  Your cooperation is appreciated in advance by SliceOGringo