A Word Concerning the Differences in Masked Men: The Dark Knight vs. Da' Masqued Man

As well you may know I'm pretty important. In certain circles, I mean. Some jealously accuse me of exploiting the mask, and to that my only rebuttal is "well, wouldn't you?"

Sure it gets me into clubs, lands me bit parts in movies, and helped break up Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman... but don't hate me for it. There are many more people out there like me but worse, and far more deserving of your derision.

That leads me to my next point. Namely, I am not Batman.
There are similarities, I'll give you that. But when you shill out your 11 bucks to go see the Masked Man get beat up by Heath Ledger tonight or tomorrow let me first warn you that you won't find what you are looking for.

D'Masqued Man vs. D'Batman
A Comparison Study

The ruptuaries of Gotham look to their man in the silly mask to protect them when the politically correct methods have been exhausted. Batman is un-pc, and yet upholds a singular ethical and moral standard while going out to solve mysteries, and fight crime.

The commoners of San Jogbra California, my erstewhile habitatus Maskedmanus, rarely recognize me, let alone go out of their way to communicate with me. When I encounter mysteries, I sometimes curse and scratch my ass ineffectually. But wherever there is injustice or wrongdoing, wherever a small child cries for lack of a decent meal or the basic human rights of the weak and the innocent are trampled upon by evildoers in their cruel and treacherous ways, I will be there. Probably pointing, and laughing.

Batman is known as the caped crusader because he wears a cape, and is on a crusade.

Personally, I think capes are kind of gay. So I don't wear them. But I'm on a crusade to reverse women's right to vote! Who's with me men, eh? How about just the single guys against the wall!

Batman's job is to go out and save people.

D'Masked Man doesn't have a job.

He dresses in the night to resolutely save the day for hope and justice.

I dress for the night, sometimes, if you count club clothes and a hipflask, and ever remain steadfastly atrabilious.

In fact, now I remember why I don't leave the house all that often. It's not worth getting dressed for.

The Batman has muscles.
DMM's as skinny as a rail.

And the thing is he works out compulsively to stay in fearsome shape. See, not only am I skinny, but I wish I was thinner! Often when I get really stressed I will review everything I am going to eat that day in my head then cut it all in half. That calms me down.

Batman doesn't kill people.

The Masked Man made a killing at the casinos out in Reno two weekends ago! WooEEE!! KaChing!

Batman has a secret identity.
The Masked Man, likewise, has a secret— wait, what!?! Hold up. I don't like having my picture taken for a very legitimate reason.
See, there are those who believe I never allow myself to be photographed because I am actually a multidimensional shape shifter: This, let me be the first to tell you, is false. I believe you are thinking of Big Foot. In point of fact I am a fictional character, the protagonist of a dead comic strip that was drawn by myself. In a sense, you could say, that I created myself. Like God.

Batman, was created by Bob Kane.

That putz.

We do both wear masks.

And also, we've both slept with Kim Basinger.

But that's about all the similarities I can think of.

So remember, don’t be disappointed when you get to the Cineplex this weekend and your favorite Masked Man isn't up there on the big screen. I'm still plugging away on the interwebs once or twice a week, free of charge. Come to think of it, there's the biggest and saddest difference between us yet:

You're going to pay to see an actor play Batman in a movie.
And I'm here working my ass off blogging for free.

The world isn't fair.
Save me Heath Ledger!