I Spit in the Lip of, Despite the Spite of, Time

Winter. Blue. Sadness, too.
New York Sidewalk. Memory. You.

"our point of view is determined by our point of viewing."
Paul Minear

[*] Some people. . .seriously. Look better. On Myspace.

I miss New York. I miss being 19, and being in New York. So close, and yet so long ago. In my Shining Hour... Cold trains, warm bagels and dirty hookers standing next to clean West End Suits. Teh city that never sleeps getting under your skin and O! Regret! Perhaps I should slow down. Back up. Where to begin...

I'm sitting here, talking online with two friends. One I'm helping with his Thermodynamics homework. The other is writing a paper on British Colonialism and trying in vain to draw parallels to Iraq wherever possible.

Battle. Something about the carapace of my reputation for curmudgeonly helpfullness appeals to the collegiate crowd. I dunno why but I always end up helping them out.

I'm smart for a guy who didn't go to college.
A graduate of the School of Hard Nox, I am an existential positivist with teliological leanings, and
occasionally I'm full of good advice.
But I'm not a student,
no I've never been a student.
I can't adhere to that discipline.
I'm not a student, no I've never been a student
If I'm learning it's because I want to learn, not because I've been told to
or told what to, or where to, or why to

nor do I learn for a grade. Grades- The vilest form of malices in the history of all time.
Why be yourself when you can a high mark in a GPA?

"It's the latest wave
That you've been craving for
The old ideal
Was getting such a bore
Now you're back in line
going not quite quite as far
But in half the time
Everyone's happy
They're finally all the same
'cause everyone's jumping
Everyone else's train"
-The Cure

I'm sitting here, talking online with two friends. And then there were three. There she is.

LilBluApple82: Remember me?

She's listening to The Cure... full of contradictions. a constant state of exhaustion, self inflicted unrequired love.... missing me... loving New York City.

I wish I was there.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything.
If you do, you start missing everybody".
- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I wish I was there but I left for a reason. Full of woes I needed respite from the frustration. Solace from the situation. I love her but I had to leave her.

DMsqdMn17: I miss you almost as much as I miss New York.
LilBluApple82: holy crap you're the gayest thing since gay hit gaytown!
DMsqdMn17: You forget how much time I spend in San Francisco. I take that as a compliment.
LilBluApple82: you forget that you're a latent homo. i take that with two aspirin and a shot of remorse.
DMsqdMn17: My queerness pains you? Surely No more than your absence from my life pains me.
LilBluApple82: goddamnit come back!. we miss you!

Just wish I knew which way to go. What course is right. If there is such a thing as a "right way", or a right place to be at a certain time in your life.

Maybe my happiness here, now, is a sign.
Maybe my sudden bout of longing to be elsewhere is a sign.
I can't read my inner desires and too often settle by doing nothing. Maybe that too is a blessing in disguise! So many disguises eh...

I'm sitting here, talking online with three friends.
It's Science in action.
It's History in motion.
It's a life in question.

that's how it looks.
Happy Monday everybody.

I hate Annette Benning.