The Real Me!

If you whittled away

The walking stick of my wit

You would find yourself poked in the eye

by the toothpick of sarcasm.

Face [it], Your

and I said, and I said, and I said, and I said...
Did you ever have one of those days where everything feels like it's a repeat?

Like, you already did thing things your doing today, and you did them yesterday?
It's like frickin' repeating its self!
I literally woke up at the exact same time today as yesterday and have the exact same conversations at work this morning!
WTF?

with GPS you know it's all just a matter of degrees
-Andrew Bird

Query: If you spray a cat with cat repellent, does the cat cease to exist, or do your clean sheets?

Attention Geneticists

Forget Roundup-resistant wheat, or corn that comes in eight different, brilliant colours and matures in 12 days regardless of ambient temperature.

Scientists of the world: I want a poopless, nonpeeing cat that emits nothing but, I don't know, Oxygen.

A Jingle:
By D. Michael Masquedman
Is it a rat? Or is it a cat?
Who the hell cares? We'll call it a crat!

Peach owt, Nigguh
-DMM

5 Question Game

D'Five-Question Game Challenganza!

yay!

Answer d'questions, like I did, only better. It's fun and informative!

1. Can you cook? Yes

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator? Die of dehydration
3. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I could wither
2. What's your philosophy on life? I'm all for it as long as we split the tab
5. What was your first impression of me? Who? You the survey or the little voice in my head? You're both kinda creepy and imposing.
16. How do you fall asleep? Uh… isn't that a little personal? I close my eyes. Get out of my blog.

Isorhythmic Upward Counterfactuals

Wow It's been such a long time since i last blogged in this thingy

Listening to Hall and Oates makes me think. (But not good thoughts) The Rich girl was unable to appreciate her own prosperity. Guess the grass is always greener...

Overheard Phone Conversation Snippet of the Month: I don't really want to have a relationship with you per se, maybe not the whole 'novel' ordeal, just the Cliff Notes version. You know? Hit me with all the major plot points in advance.

I wonder how I look to other people. Do they notice me as closely and infrequently as I notice them?

Shit. Its so easy for me to cry in public and so hard to do it alone. It’s so hard to fake a smile when I’m out with people, but so easy for me to laugh when I’m on my own.

Realization: Rarely, if ever, offended anymore by things that people do. Shit, even if someone was into some crazy stuff, as long as they didn't force it on me, it's not my business.

Listen Leslie: It's cool that you do kinky shit, sometimes I'm even a little envious of the things people do. But we don't take offense.

No we never take offense.
we don't take offense.
No we never take offense.
we don't take offense.
No we never take offense.

And that is.
And that is,
.... Trés interesting to moi ...

speaking of interesting it's game day so here's a bit of a game.
yay.

D'Poseur

I feel like I was supposed to say something earth-shatteringly important on da blog today ...but I can't remember...poo...
i am the slightest bit bummed

It's hard to nourish my enthusiasm for writing when your mind is elsewhere.

Stupid poser. No, I'm not talking about that punk kid with the Mask... he's another story entirely. This is about Brad.
Yes, I'll even use his real name, because he doesn't know this journal exists.

Brad, whom I looked up in the thesaurus and found not only a picture of an ape scratching his prematurely underdeveloped ballsack, but the follow synonyms:

awful, barbaric, barbarian, barbarous, beastly, bellicose, boorish, brutal, coarse, combative, contentious, desperate, disruptive, flagrant, god-awful, graceless, gross, heinous, inhuman, intrusive, lowbrow, monstrous, offensive, pathetic, pugnacious, primitive, quarrelsome, rough, rude, tasteless, uncivilized, uncouth, vulgar, warlike, wild.

The man is a human wasteland of both form and function. No one needs arms that big. No one. Or the hairy eyebrows that could put Mr. Clean's mop to shame. A beer gut. A voice like an electric drill. He makes your average dumb jock look like a rhodes scholar.

What did she ever see in him?

He's stupid as a pile of rocks.
I know stray dogs smarter than him.

I once saw him complain about how sophisticated the dinner menu at Chilies is.
Dude. Eat your McDonalds, and drink your budweiser then.

on an evolutionary scale of intellectual advancement, here are das scores:

D'MASQUED MAN: ____1
OTRAS HUMANAS: ___0
BRADz0rg:_____ -15,000

Okay. enough bashing. I could go on and on. But because she likes him I must be willing to be objective and give him the benefit of the doubt. How can I bend "Objective" so it means secretly despise him?

Ahhh!!
there is no subjective definition in the world of the objectivist!
AHHH!!

I'm going to blow a fuse if I have to hear about this anymore. She may claim she is just using him for his body, but personally I think it's the other way around. She being used and in the meantime, so am I.

I'd rather not be used as a human ashtray/urinal thank you.
I'd rather not be used by him.

I would prefer to be used by her.

Oh great, now she's not answering her phone. She's probably there with him. Making out. Naked.
He probably tried to open her cell phone with his big dumb hairy hands and managled to both pinch it into a paperclip and electrocute himself to death.

Answer! Answer!
hell naw. I can't fuckin handle this shit!

SuppleSextusCinString signed on at Mon Jan 22 18:45:38
SuppleSextusCinString: ok, so, I"m working on pick up lines: "Let Me run with you tonight, I'll take you on a moonlight ride"... what do you think?
SuppleSextusCinString: or, how aobut: "Like Bob Dylan, I'm ready to go anywhere"
SuppleSextusCinString: I actualy said that last one, when someon said: "Where do we go from here?"
SuppleSextusCinString: what do you think? Do you think that is an attempt at being clevar that she will see right through? a facade? the only facade I have, and my mask, is the fact that there are many sides of Myself, and that I display and react differantly at differant times.
DMsqdMn17: Sounds like me
SuppleSextusCinString: I do not have a secret, and I am hiding nothing, does this make Me less attractive?
SuppleSextusCinString signed off at Mon Jan 22 18:57:34
DMsqdMn17: well...
User SuppleSextusCinString did not recieve your message be they are logged off.

GAHH!!

I Spit in the Lip of, Despite the Spite of, Time

Winter. Blue. Sadness, too.
New York Sidewalk. Memory. You.

"our point of view is determined by our point of viewing."
Paul Minear

[*] Some people. . .seriously. Look better. On Myspace.

I miss New York. I miss being 19, and being in New York. So close, and yet so long ago. In my Shining Hour... Cold trains, warm bagels and dirty hookers standing next to clean West End Suits. Teh city that never sleeps getting under your skin and O! Regret! Perhaps I should slow down. Back up. Where to begin...

I'm sitting here, talking online with two friends. One I'm helping with his Thermodynamics homework. The other is writing a paper on British Colonialism and trying in vain to draw parallels to Iraq wherever possible.

Battle. Something about the carapace of my reputation for curmudgeonly helpfullness appeals to the collegiate crowd. I dunno why but I always end up helping them out.

I'm smart for a guy who didn't go to college.
A graduate of the School of Hard Nox, I am an existential positivist with teliological leanings, and
occasionally I'm full of good advice.
But I'm not a student,
no I've never been a student.
I can't adhere to that discipline.
I'm not a student, no I've never been a student
If I'm learning it's because I want to learn, not because I've been told to
or told what to, or where to, or why to

nor do I learn for a grade. Grades- The vilest form of malices in the history of all time.
Why be yourself when you can a high mark in a GPA?

"It's the latest wave
That you've been craving for
The old ideal
Was getting such a bore
Now you're back in line
going not quite quite as far
But in half the time
Everyone's happy
They're finally all the same
'cause everyone's jumping
Everyone else's train"
-The Cure

I'm sitting here, talking online with two friends. And then there were three. There she is.

LilBluApple82: Remember me?

She's listening to The Cure... full of contradictions. a constant state of exhaustion, self inflicted unrequired love.... missing me... loving New York City.

I wish I was there.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything.
If you do, you start missing everybody".
- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I wish I was there but I left for a reason. Full of woes I needed respite from the frustration. Solace from the situation. I love her but I had to leave her.

DMsqdMn17: I miss you almost as much as I miss New York.
LilBluApple82: holy crap you're the gayest thing since gay hit gaytown!
DMsqdMn17: You forget how much time I spend in San Francisco. I take that as a compliment.
LilBluApple82: you forget that you're a latent homo. i take that with two aspirin and a shot of remorse.
DMsqdMn17: My queerness pains you? Surely No more than your absence from my life pains me.
LilBluApple82: goddamnit come back!. we miss you!

Just wish I knew which way to go. What course is right. If there is such a thing as a "right way", or a right place to be at a certain time in your life.

Maybe my happiness here, now, is a sign.
Maybe my sudden bout of longing to be elsewhere is a sign.
I can't read my inner desires and too often settle by doing nothing. Maybe that too is a blessing in disguise! So many disguises eh...

I'm sitting here, talking online with three friends.
It's Science in action.
It's History in motion.
It's a life in question.

that's how it looks.
Happy Monday everybody.

I hate Annette Benning.

D'Other

The Scene: There I was. A weeknight on the town. Trying to Flex My Powers-of-Persuasion Muscle.

Oh the giddy thrill of being rejected by a beautiful woman. exhilaration running through me.

I'll be all swagger and balls and prance up being like "SUP CUS" and she'll be like "ignore" and then i'll remember that i'm a turd. AND TRY AGAIN.

As if the repetition could cause success through force of will.

But it makes me happy. So it's what I DO. Anyway (prepare to experience a heart seizure) I was up to my normal no-goodery when I get a weird spidey sense that everyone I'm hitting in is looking at me funny. Like the mojo has been drained through the sink of the room. I ask Britney The Bartender what's going on. She frowns and points over to the far side of the bar.

There he is. Crazed and confident. Some little skinny punk with a spiky hairdo and, wait for it, a mask. Just like mine! Only this cock is pure ego and panache. Now let me explain something to you here:

My routine is strictly rehearsed. I'm a well oiled machine.
I come in wearing hip, but raggy clothes,
holding a book
wearing my emo-tastic glasses.
I make conversation, awkwardly, stuttering
I'm a smart pitiful loser in there, it's my character.
It only works when women don't have their
"There's another man in the room and he's got a six-pack and a tan"
radar on.

So I come up to the guy. and he's laughing. and drinking some clear liquid in a sweaty stump glass, and I overhear his conversation with these bitches.

"Andrew Jackson, the greatest president ever, beat the shit out of everyone who defied him. If only I could be so brash." He laughs. They all laugh. "Ha ha ha!" Bastards.

What, just because you've found some mask lying around you think Suddenly, you're King Fart of Poo Mountain?

Well I left. I couldn't bear to face the kid. He probably would have picked on my ratty old masque. Or my (old) age. Or I'd turn my back on him for one instant and suddenly find I've lost my anal innocence.

So it seems that there are Two Masked Men In Town. And He's the younger and handsomer of the two. This does put me in an unenviable position.

Unicorning

Okay, Kids! Enough slacking off and down-time. Let's shake off our post-holiday, depths-of-winter, Oh-My-Gods-It's-Cold-n-Dark-Out Blues and get geared up for 2007.


Let's effect some social change!


And what better way to start than with a good old fashioned Game?

Yay!

Today's game is not mine. But You can say you've heard it here first. One of the new crazes/cult/fraternity bandwagons on d'facebook. If you're one of the many DMM readers now begrudgingly back in school after winter break make sure when you party this weekend taht you don't pass out because there might be a little incident. You may become part of the new party game taking the party scene all over the world by storm. It's called Unicorning. When a friend passes out you guys swarm like vultures. Tape beer cans and cups together to create a Unicorn shaped antler that would be taped to the victim mercilessly to protrude from their forhead to make them appear like a Unicorn. Mercy? That word was kicked in the balls and thrown out the window. If the resulting raucousness gets to be too much simply alert local Wild Life Officials that a wild animal is on the loose.
They'll probably show up on the door step with questions about deer or raccoons. If only they knew of the far worse endangerments to public welfare, UNICORNING was in play. Now you know. Welcome to the society.

Don’t think too hard about this:



-DMM

6- Demolition

I held a contest on my blog this week. I don't know if I could feel any more malaise towards the endeavor now. It didn't get much attention. At least, not as much as I had hoped. I'll pretend to not care by making the font all bland and dull colored. That usually works.

Anyway if you didn't check it out please feel free to see what all the fuss wasn’t about.

CONTEST THINGIE

Basically the deal is participants want to know what I did last weekend. I wrote out a five options and asked my readers to guess from among them, discerning fact from fiction.

But really who cares? Or better yet, forget "care". The real question remains how do you know what's real?

The contest was rigged. I could have done all or none of those five stories. I could have made the whole thing up. Five products of my imagination.

That brings up another point, what here is really part of my imagination and what is real? How do you know that anything I write here is real? Am I real? How much of the grit is behind the masque and how much on it?

The more I divulge on this blog the thinner and thinner my mask gets. I used to imagine that questions would flood in trying to find out who's behind the mask. Surprisingly, no one asked. In the real world everyone knows who I am. People who know you can see right through you, can see right through your masks.

But throughout this endeavor I have learned that people who don't know who you are don't bother to look behind the masks. They don't care. Batman, Spiderman… they came onto the scene and no one clamored to find out who they were, it only mattered what they did.

And that's where I come in. What have I done? Perhaps by donning the mask I have unmasked you all. Perhaps in getting as many readers as I do, (a few hundred hits a week, I'll be honest) who don't ask who I am, don't clamor for the juicy details, don't bat an eye at the existence of a 20 year old despondent Drop Out who feels the need to live his life sheided by a masked identity. No, not one mask. Many.

Maybe all the Poetry is a Mask. Maybe the IM conversations, the salacious details, the crappy drawings, the easter eggs… all masques? And maybe, just maybe, maybe ya'll don't notice because you're all too wrapped up in masks of your own to see the veils of those around you.

Business Casual Fridays, Pencil Thin Supermodels, No Down Payments and Low APR, Global Warming, Rising Gas Prices, WMDs in Iraq

Masks. Deceptions. Lies. The shifting sands we build our lives around, leaving vulnerable the unsheltered the emptinesses within our hearts.

There can be no peace without inner peace.

What did I do last weekend?
Ah, what does it matter? I'm a sad kid
-coping with being kicked out of college,
-being fired from every job he's ever loved,
-grappling with the murder of his step-father not long after moving to California,
-struggling with the equivocatations and abandonment of a fluidic woman,
-surviving the torturous wiles of a job in the jungles of a cubicle wasteland,
-with a housemate who is trying to kill me,
-nursing a serious case of the midwinter blues.

I put up these masks because I still can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. All I can stomach are pieces and fragments at a time… this last weekend there were five shards of glass, each with its own narcissistic glean. I can't tell you which one is real. But I can throw out a sixth option, now that I can see through the divining portal of time.

Last weekend I wrote 5 short stories. 5 small insights into my life. 5 introspections making it that much easier to take off the whole mask, when the time is right.

We all become who we are.
I'm a man in a mask.
Who the hell are you?

Postcards From the Floor

Why is anything I say any more important than anything else anyone else has said before me?

I guess it's not.

But I'm a person too Goddamnit! And plus if You're the last one to say something then you're the

last one heard.

Restitution Substituion

today we Open with a haiku:

Blood
by: D'Masqued Mann

Spicy hellish slash
Scold the injured a kiss
of red liquid fear

HttGrrl Numba12: whats up beautiful
DMsqdMn17: N2M, U?
HttGrrl Numba12: oh, nothing just thinking about you
HttGrrl Numba12: ;-)
HttGrrl Numba12: can i ask you a question
DMsqdMn17: Shoot
HttGrrl Numba12: Do you really wear a mask or is that just a clever pun meant to both symbolize that your real identity is hidden and parody the many sided veils of identity that we all enshroud ourselves in day to day?
DMsqdMn17:
DMsqdMn17:
DMsqdMn17: ...
HttGrrl Numba12: ... lol
HttGrrl Numba12: :-D
HttGrrl Numba12: ...well?
DMsqdMn17: yes.

CLARIFY YOUR PREVIOUS STATEMENT PLEASE

snigger*

Trees stir, clouds become more and more impatient.

hills yawn and the sky is shifting uneasily
felled leaves sail shivering the cold and mournful river
that shimmers in beauty’s façade,
Innocence wraped in the silken petals
of foolish flowers bending over to smell their own roots
All are waiting, waiting. Waiting.

And when the restless wind comes it waits for no one
Filling them with hope and dread and remarking haughtily before it departs
Nothing lasts. Yet everything survives.

substitution cipher:

Not because Bush said something.
Not because it was on my mind.
Not because it needed to be said again
for the 12 millionth time
(and yet somehow we never hear it enough to act)
No,
Only because he asked.
Because, I guess, we're friends:

POLITICS!

And now, slip quietly into Sleep,
for tomorrow brings with her
the erotic scent of Friday.

ABC, MSN, and now DMM. All Masques, All The Time.

*Opens d'Window*

Welcome to my Home! My name is The Masked Man. I write a blog. I also used to be a comic strip that I drew, but I stopped drawing it when it came to my attention that I suck at drawing.

One of my greatest life aspirations is to sleep with 3 women at the same time. And I'm not talking about having babies out of wedlock and staying up all night bottle feeding triplets!

Basically I'm a cool guy who likes things and stuff and one days hopes that he will stop feeling guilty about being a college drop-out/ depressing fuck... and move on with his life.

Currently I work in a cubicle wasteland by day and wander the streets by night making friends with vagrants, bums, free spirits, and Sea faring mammalia. Occasionally I share some of these adventures with a few people on "T-H-E___I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T" who leave comments and suggestions for both how to live my life and how to write about it. I appreciate both kinds of comments.

*Closes d'Window*

_ Teh _ MAIN _ EVENT! _

One day I would like to have my own TV channel like CNN or NBC. We'll call it DMM and it'll be 24 hours a day of Da'Masquerade.

- Homeslice could have a show about how to be awesome. Or some sort of animation hour
- Walter the homeless prophetpoet could have a call-in life crisis hotline.
- All the shameless Nerds down at "The PIG" could do the news and gossip
- Really Hot Lisa could be a model in some sort of program details the epitome of Hotness
- Doug, my buddy the scientist, err, engineer or whatever could have a show like Mythbusters on how stuff works and Why Things Are
- The Aura of Laura Anderson could Direct everything since she knows it all
- Leslie could host his own version of Queer Eye
- I could do Sports and Games (yaysportzngamz)! Host a Show about Mustaches maybe?
- NAASCOR could be our corporate sponsor

...

It'd be great! And you'd all be invited too! What would you like YOUR show to be about on DMM channel?

ExpressionComix

There is a man handing out pamphlets at the BART STATION on my way home today
Sometimes I like free paper because it reminds me that it doesn't cost a cent to express myself.

Leér frivolidades sexúal

You know when you and another guy are both flirting with the same girl and you both keep talking to her while subtly insulting one another?

When it comes to courting with wit alone you will never win. How do I know that? Because you’re not me and my wits alone aren't enough. And I am smarter than you. How do I know this? Because I wear a mask.

You want the girl to be yours but don’t have the Grammatic Gumption or the Tomcatish Tricksterisms that’ll make her desire you over thine competitorés?

Gentlemen, there is a better way.

Don’t woo her with your wiles, use your willy:

try
SEX GAMES
yaysexgames

WellAuraAnderson: think maybe you should preface this first
DMskdMn17: That's probably the right idea

WellAuraAnderson: ok good go me

Lesson No. 1: Be in the Know

Brilliant, comforting Don Juan sex-gods aren’t born, they are made. Granted some guys are plain old wickud smaht when it comes to handling persons of the opposite sex, most of us need constant training, tips and pointers. Try out the trade periodicals first (Maxim, Playboy, my blog) before moving on to Dr. Spock's How-To Guides and other technical readouts. (Going in blind is like shoveling snow with a pitchfork... it's not going to get you very much)

Lesson No. 2: Go Slow

Just because sexual energies flow between two people doesn’t mean you should hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Before iniating in any sort of sex game or foreplay, scout it out first. Foreplay is a long drawn out process lasting not minutes but possibly days weeks or years.

You cannot flatter too much. She has to be ready to play the game. And when it's time to get down and dirty we want you firing on all cylinders but by that we mean the ones in your head as well as in your pants. So nothing rash that you'll regret. (Oh man I've got a rash that I regret!)

Lesson No. 3: Try Something Radical

Some people shower the ones they love with love. I say just shower with the ones you love. Naked. Lather it up.

Making a fool of yourself will not be the end of all Mankind. With that in mind, don't limit yourself to just these games. Go out and make up your own. Take pictures of them. Experiment. Then tell me about it so I can steal the ideas, and send me the pictures. (I'm a bit of a MsqdPerv.)

And now, our feature presentation:

Game One: e-Sexpense
Directions: Send an email to your partner days in advance. Make it a story, a secret, a confession.
The next day send another. A fear, a love - anything.
Be sure to be honestly and remain fairly anonymous.
Make your next email a specific desire, and a specific promise.
Lay out explicitly what you want and want you are going to give.

Trust me, if done right, there is no way to lose this game.

Game Two: Game Names
Directions: The following is a list of Names for coital positions and manuevers. Pick one name at random that your partner will have to execute for you, then reverse and let your partner choose a name for you to decide how to act out. This is one where imagination comes in handy.
Just the tip
Juice Squeeze
The Helicopter
Ashton Kutcher (The Butterfly Effect)
Yes Sir
Sunrise, Sunset
The Gaza Strip
Radio Dial Tuner
Chernobyl Sump Pump
Walk the Dog
Pineapple Cocktail
Global Warming
Fish Taco
The Bottle Opener
Camel's Hump
Fighfighter Pole Slide
Seismic Activity
The Bill Paxton

For Bonus Points, create your own list using only words or short phrases found in the "Entertainment/ Living" sections of your local paper. And speaking of finding things...

Game Three: Naked Hide and Seek
Directions: Sometimes the simplest of things yield the greatest rewards. Best done in a small soft and safe environment like a Hotel Room or a Padded Work Our Area, the name pretty much blows the load on what this game is about. Strip down, hide your bad self, and wait for some naked honey to seek you out.

Seek and ye shall find...

Five Card Stud

5 Opciones por qua DMM did dis weekend

Well Spacefans, I certainly did something this weekend.

But it's up to you to figure out What.

I might have been hunting bunnies in Zimbabwe or off duplicating illuminated manuscripts in a secluded monastary on Guernsey. I might have signed up for a Masked Beauty Pagaent or recorded my Debut CD.

Here are the 5 options:

1
2
3
4
5

If you'd care to guess which one I actually did, leave me a comment with your guess.
All winners get an autographed condom wrapper.

"The way you do things screams "tool.""- Thomas Edison

-DMM

The Future is now, err, tomorrow!

First week of 2007 = Over!

Hi The Future. I'm Da Masked Man. How are you?

We now officially live in the future.

Want proof? Here are some recent advancements you might have heard about:

Scientists are giving birth to Robot babies!- Read More

Scientists have cured Homosexuality!- Read More

All Cars will soon have Wi-Fi ISP Connections!- Read More

The OC got cancelled- Read More

The world has come so far, I say we take a step back and appreciate our advancements as a species and specifically as a civilization. Twenty-Five Hundred years ago Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by giant rams cock-sparring in underground cities. Through advancements in science, we now that the Ancient Greeks are all dead. Ha! Sucks to be them. They didn’t even have computers!

Ok, maybe they did. But we should still celebrate. It’s Friday.

So prepare for Random Bouts of Fun

It’s the Future baby, and Weekendz in the future are made for one thing. Sex, drugz and rock n’roll. Three things. Unless Rock n’ Roll are two separate thingz. Baby whatev. Letz Weekend it up Bitchez!

-Hasta la Monkey-
-DMM-

overlooked no more, nor looked at either

Not hiding behind the mask--

Sentimentalists ARE GAY
to be more politically correct, Sentimentalists SUCK
_
being a total hermit
from now on. yup.

you aren't as important to other people as they are to you.
There are days when you notice that you're not one of the old crowd anymore, and they've kind of forgotten you were one of their closer friends back in the day.

Well, that day, the day of forgetting, happened to be today.


*shakes fist ineffectually in the air*

All this time waiting for the proverbial knife in the back, and I wake up to find a bullet in my chest.

"loving someone who will never love you back is worse than being lonely"

I'm done. I'm finally finally finally done. I just wish
I could've seen this coming a long time ago
so I wouldn't have wasted so much of time on you having known you weren't worth waiting for

---Hiding behind the mask